Language is what makes us human. Animals have ways to communicate, but only humans (at least as far as we know) have a system of verbal and nonverbal symbols (words, gestures, expressions, etc) that allow us to convey ideas, exchange information, and communicate virtually anything, good or bad! We can communicate about things that are seen or unseen, things that happened in the past or may happen in the future, and things that make us happy or make us angry. The possibilities are endless.
For humans, acquiring language is a natural process. We are born with the ability to acquire language, and most of us develop language right on schedule. But some don’t, and when language is delayed or broken, it can be devastating. Because we are naturally social creatures, social language is a very important part of our wellbeing.
We talked about social communication relative to Social Communication Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder, but it is so important, I think it warrants more discussion.
What Is Pragmatics?
Pragmatic language is social language. It is the ability to use language to interact with other people. Actually, newborn infants begin to learn social communication from day one and, if these skills continue to develop normally and naturally, children have the opportunity to develop socially, emotionally, and academically.
Using pragmatic language requires at least one listener and one speaker, and there has to be a “need” or “motivation” to interact. Maybe the speaker wants to ask for something or to change the listener’s opinion about something. Perhaps the speaker is trying to gain information—to learn something about something. There are many, many, many reasons why we would want to or need to communicate with someone. To be a successful communicator, we must be able to shift easily from listener (hard for some of us!) to speaker. It is a complex back-and-forth process that requires effort and attention. And, there are rules!
The Topic “Rule”
Whether the interaction is a friendly conversation or heated discussion, what you are talking about is the topic. The topic may be something designated, such as an issue in a relationship. Or, it may be more spontaneous, such as the small talk you make when you bump into someone in a grocery store. Either way, everyone involved in the interaction needs to be “on the same page.” There are socially accepted and expected ways to start a conversation, stay on topic, change the topic, and end a conversation. If your child doesn't understand the subtle, unwritten rules of conversation, he or she will be at a tremendous disadvantage trying to communicate with peers and adults.
The Speaker “Rule”
We think we “just start talking,” but speaking actually a complicated process. According to the rules of pragmatic language, the speaker must know and be considerate of many things regarding his or her communication partner or listener. The speaker has to understand what is appropriate language and behavior with regard to his or her relationship to the listener, the listener’s age, and the subject or purpose and setting of the conversation. For example, your child shouldn’t talk to his teacher the same way he talks to his friends; he shouldn’t talk or act the same way in the principal's office as he does on the playground; he shouldn’t talk the same way with his friend’s mom as he does with you, and on and on… And, remember, that “talk” includes not only the words and sentences, but also the nonverbal language that accompanies them (nonverbal language and communication is so important, it will be the topic of the next social language blog).
The speaker is “in charge” of the discussion or conversation. If the listener seems confused for some reason, the speaker needs to try to “fix” what is wrong. Maybe the topic is “over the head” of the listener; maybe the vocabulary is too specialized and unfamiliar. Many times, simply rephrasing a statement or question can help the listener and move the conversation forward. If your school-age child is trying to explain something to his toddler brother or sister with no success and increasing frustration for both, your child should know that he needs to adjust his diction so that the toddler can understand. When a child doesn’t understand his role as a speaker, he will likely become angry, and the interaction may end abruptly and badly.
But all the responsibility of successful communicating doesn’t fall to the speaker…
The Listener “Rule”
The number one rule for being a good listener is to pay attention! It’s important to pay attention throughout the dialogue, because the listener has to keep track of the topic and topic can change very quickly. If the listener gets “lost” in the conversation, it is his or her responsibility to tell the speaker that the message isn’t clear or that there’s confusion or misunderstanding. Letting the speaker know that there’s a breakdown allows the speaker to repair the conversation and proceed.
A good listener also pays attention to not only what the speaker is saying, but also how he is saying it. For example, the speaker’s body language and facial expressions are a very important part of the communication. Research has shown that at least 80 percent of what we communicate is nonverbal, so pay attention to the nonverbal language as well as the verbal!
Postscript
A communication dialogue is much like a dance in that the partners must be very aware of and sensitive to each other. There is movement back and forth, back and forth. In a successful conversation or discussion, the roles of the speaker and listener move back and forth, usually often. There are cues in a conversation that enable us to know when it is our turn to speak and when to listen.
Many children simply don't understand the rules of social language; they don’t know how to participate in a successful conversation, discussion, or any interactive dialogue, all of which are essential in our social and academic worlds. There are many reasons why your child may have difficulty with pragmatic, or social, language. Pragmatic language problems can occur by themselves, but most often, they co-occur with other disorders, such as autism and attention disorders. Pragmatic language can be a confusing topic, so there is additional information available in other blog posts on this website. Or, better yet, call me at 940-704-4324.